Fandom: Harry Potter.
Warnings: Rude words?
Summary: Sirius finds out that Lily has never been kissed before, and decides to take matters into his own hands.
Author's Notes: I'm forever Elizabeth's slave, it seems. xD HERE YOU ARE, DEAR. Oh! And Sirius' last sentence is shamelessly snatched from Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.
Disclaimer: Severus is mine, all mine! ... No, he's not, really.
"James doesn't fancy you anymore, Evans."
I'm pleasantly surprised. I'd like to know who to pass my best wishes on to. Poor girl. I raise my eyebrows.
"He's got a thing about McGonagall."
.. Interesting choice. I tell him this.
"Tell me about it, it's not gonna do our rep any good."
Sirius actually looks stricken about their - oh sorry, the 'marauders' - reputation, as if James actually fancies Professor McGonagall.
"Does he require a new pair of spectacles?"
"Are you jealous, Evans?"
He's got the most infuriating smirk on his face that I just want to smack off.
"No." I'm proud of my tone, I'm cool and calm as I say this. "I'm merely wondering if he needs some new glasses, because if he hasn't noticed... McGonagall is older than my grandmother."
"How old is your grandmother?"
"My best mate lusting after a bit of granny fanny is simply not on. Am I the only one thinking this is just.. wrong?"
Sirius Black is most possibly the crudest person I have ever met. He shuddered as he said the last word and I wrinkle my nose and don't answer him. He observes me for a second.
"You're so stuffy, Evans. It's a surprise you even let guys anywhere near you, let alone kiss you, the way you go on. You can't even handle the word fanny."
I'm quite affronted at this, and my face makes it rather obvious. I scowl. My cheeks have gone red, I can feel it. He doesn't give me a chance to lose my temper with him, and just carries on. A horrible expressions spreads across his face like some sort of cancer. It's disgusting - he looks really pleased with himself.
"Who was your first kiss, anyway? I'd like to give the bloke a medal."
If it's possible, my cheeks grow even warmer. I have no idea how red they are, I don't need a mirror to see; his bark of laughter tells me. I struggle for the right words, and in my rush to set him straight, I start a number of sentences and fail to actually get to the middle of them. I just sigh. He sounds excited.
"You haven't actually kissed anyone, have you?"
There's a big grin on his face, and he hastens to add that his question doesn't include family.
"What's so wrong about waiting?" I ask him, straightening up defensively.
"Waiting? What for? Your bloody wedding night?"
I'm trying to make it out to be nothing important (because it's not all that important, is it?) and he's talking as if it's a milestone in my life! I glare at him - ooh, if looks could kill - and just look away. I don't really know what else to say, because I know for a damned fact he'll just pick at it - forcing me to call my own reasons stupid and ill-thought out.
"Calm down, Evans. Geez. I'll find James. He won't mind showing you how it's done."
I rise to my feet and square up to him. It's a rather pathetic sight, seeing as he still towers over me. Just to get my point across a little more, I jab my finger in his chest and look at him with all of the fierceness I can muster. My teeth are gritted and my voice is frighteningly level. I speak slowly so that he has no excuse.
"You dare tell Potter any of this, and I will castrate you before you can say granny fanny."
He gives me an incredolous look and lifts his hands in surrender. He feigns his solemn expression amd makes it obvious that he thinks this is all one big joke.
"Oh bollocks. In for a penny in for a pound, eh?"
With that, he grinned and kissed me. Sirius Black. Kissed me. On the mouth! I was more shocked than anything, and the shock rendered me speechless. I just stood there with a silly look on my face (I must've looked like a right gormless idiot!). He just laughed that irksome laugh of his, patted me on my arm and sauntered off.